POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee