Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Not today, today.
Not today.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Every. Damn. Time.
Attacked by a mop.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.