[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me as a therapist: omg same
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Happy Halloween 🎃
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.