*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
You Might Also Like
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Straight people are cancelled
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
welcome back
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.