POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
bad news gang
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em