POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Ah yes. The three genders
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat