[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]