[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
You Might Also Like
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Oops I deleted….
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth