take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower