[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
excuse me
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.