[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes