[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
that wasn’t the question
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
That earthquake could have been an email.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“i miss shittin on people”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
This is my emotional support knife.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Whoa 😂
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”