[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”