[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
any last words?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.