[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
You Might Also Like
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
sigh
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.