[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
🙋♀️
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)