you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
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Doug is just Canadian for dog
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Lmao
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.