Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes