Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
is this meant to deter me
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Truth
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
it be like that
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh