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@Scott_A_Gilmore: Police: where were you between 5 and 6?
@iGreenMonk: Working on my new book, "How to Get Through Life Without Reading."
@murrman5: [roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
why would you
"it'll be fine"
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
@imdaintyaf: I'm sorry I punched you in the face when you said "I love you". Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
@DrLickenstein: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
@AtticusFinch79: Maybe I carry an axe. You don't know. I could love you to pieces...