[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
This could be us but you eatin’
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.