@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
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@jctwritesstuff: I don't discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
@jaxxygrant: Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
@mattsurely: If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
@SomthinBoutSara: Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.