why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
…żyje?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.