@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
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@ryaninco: North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.
@juliussharpe: At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.
@BradBroaddus: My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.
@MiddleageM: Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs...