@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
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@XplodingUnicorn: My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.
@TheThomason: Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was "give them their own school."