Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
and now we wait
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
thank god
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?