Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)