Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then