interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
some Old Testament wisdom
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
just pretend nothing happened
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Finally a use for spoilers…
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?