Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
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Good news
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep