My purse is deeper than some people.
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Good dog. ❤️
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.