Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.