Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.