@MadamBetteNoire: Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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@my_minivan_life: Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
@slimmy_shady: Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone's gaydar.
@GavinProbably: I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink. Then I get kicked out.
@AndyAsAdjective: My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.