Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids