Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
You Might Also Like
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you