@MadamBetteNoire: Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@IamEnidColeslaw: at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
@evilmallelis: things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow: -how terribly kind of you -richard LOVED the water -i can't, i'm wearing gloves
@WheelTod: If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen