#polloftheday
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?