Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
<—- homeless romantic
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I am, perchance
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.