Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
liiiiiiiiike
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?