Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
just pretend nothing happened
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s