“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I am HOWLING at this
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.