Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
smh
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Mad Max Arctic Road
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!