Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!