Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it