‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
You Might Also Like
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.