Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Happy Star Wars day!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
This story is comedy gold 😂
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
everyone’s a critic
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what