@mattsurely: "I got you this for Valentine's Day." [she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside] "I think we should see other people."

@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

@Jeffwni: Keanu Reeves: THERE'S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE'LL EXPLODE! Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses "Next Stop" signal]

@TheAlexNevil: Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

@CornOnTheGoblin: me: [slides bank teller a note] bank teller: what's a "roblery"