pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Whoa 😂
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada