pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
this is how life feels
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”