@MikeRevenaugh: Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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@bighandsmassuer: People often ask me why I'm single and how surprised they are Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
@SondraDeeMe: [in bed] BF: Why are you scared? ME: Cuz your Mom's here BF: She's not bad *Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
@RexHuppke: Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
@HeroineAddict: *scrolls ur TL* *finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.* *eerily similar to mine from day before* "She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!"