@MikeRevenaugh: Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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@duumb: [wheel of fortune] me: id like to buy a vowel pat: arent u a millenial me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
@thepunningman: [first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I’m sick, not dead.
@Be___Dope: Cashier: You're the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today. Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts * It's still love though.