Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday