Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.