*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird