My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.