*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily