*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
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Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
U talkin 2 me?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*