earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
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Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Somewhere in an alternate universe
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”